| Trying to be a little emo' boy again... |
[Jul. 29th, 2005|07:15 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | The Smiths- This Charming Man | ] |
Well, it's been awhile, and I can't say I miss it. I've been doing pretty ok what with the transition back to barberton in June and the year or so of no health insurance. So far it's been sweet. I go back to school September 19th....or maybe the 6th if they play their cards right. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay here. On top of that all, I miss Layne and all of our late nights at OSU. 3 more years of school, then a life full of work and a "career". What is this world coming to? I really miss Layne...I see her virtually every weekend b/c it seems that I can't cope without her. We've been dating for 7 months now, and I was just so used to seeing her every day. It's crazy the incredible feeling that you get when you wake up next to someone every morning, then the empty feeling when they're no longer there. Poopy!
As I was writing that, I realized how much I hate being emotional and even relatively intimate to my online "journal". It just seems like a bad idea, all things considered:
1. Nobody really cares
2. It's pseudo-annoying
3. It's not really therapeutic on any level
Lesson learned I guess.
So, a broad and dull update on my life is in order. My life is: working t-f 10-5, playing tennis in the evenings and talking to Layne at night (usually after she gets home from work @ 11) On the weekends I usually get to hang out with Dustin or Matt or John, or some mixture of those three, and even an occasional chad. Sometimes, Layne will drive down or pick me up and we'll spend the weekend together. It's been like this for the past couple of months and it's showing no signs of changing.
I don't really see Dustin very much, as his girlfriend...let's call her Judith, wants him to be with her at all times. It wouldn't be a problem if we could all hang out together, but that's pretty much a dead end. Believe me, it wouldn't work out. Dustin and I have been pretty close since high school and it's really sad that we have to secretly schedule meetings. =-/ Well I hope he loves Judith b/c he'll be missing out on some of the best years of his life if they stay together.
</rant>
Uhm...I just knocked over my pump of lotion....that I use for my hands...I'll just put that back where it belongs, next to the kleenex box.
Oi.
I saw Kasabian and Longweave at the grogshop last wednesday. It was pretty awesome, but I miss walter. He's not coming back to cleveland or columbus for a long time, but when he does come you'd better believe I'll be there. I really don't understand how walter doesn't have droves and droves of fans storming him at every show. I think people are just too busy with their lives to actually listen to something that they don't hear on MTV, or FUSE or their "underground" radio stations. It really is sad that music has to be "catchy" and xeroxed in order to attract any sort of fan base.
--If you really want to start a band, pretend you're british, wear skin tight clothing and imagine you're having sex with your guitar/microphone constantly. You'll make millions -_- |
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| hmmmm |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|12:54 am] |
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Phil Collins <3 |
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| Was this oppression what I wanted, or what I needed? |
[Aug. 26th, 2004|02:36 am] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | nerdy | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | Funeral for a Friend- Escape Artists Never Die | ] |
School is starting for all of the youngsters. The University starts on monday. Of course OSU doesn't start til the 22nd of September, but I'm not counting down the days. I'm actually very eager to go, even though I was having mixed feelings recently. As of this moment, I actually have nothing holding me back. I have no commitments or responsibilities, save keeping myself alive and doing well in school. Of course the two of those are uber important, but I could be in the situation where there's alot more on my plate. Sometimes having nothing, is everything.
I got my laptop today, and it sure is a beast. it's at least 8 pounds, and well worth every ounce. I am all about power over portability.
Hell, it's virtually a desktop computer.
I want to start school already while I'm motivated....grrrr |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2004|01:54 pm] |
Pack up
i'm straight
i'm not
i'm say say say...............
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Made off
don't stray
well my kinds your kind i'll stay the same
Pack up
don't stray
oh say say say....................
Wait they don't love you like i love you
They don't love you like I love you........... |
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| "Is this a fight? No, it's a don't talk to me anymore, we're finished......" |
[Aug. 14th, 2004|07:29 am] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | Postal Service-Nothing Better | ] |
I knew it would happen. I guess I never thought it would hurt this much. I guess when you put so much of your heart into one thing and it just collapses, you can't expect to get away without your heart being crushed right? I just feel like there was more I could do...even to delay this. Nothing could hurt more.
I honestly feel like I want to die.
Of course that's not an option right now, or ever, but I do. There's not much left here for me...there isn't much I can take joy in here on Earth.
My problem isn't girls though.....it's myself. I always set myself up for this to happen. When will I learn? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2004|02:40 am] |
Ohhh...my head is always lost and always changing mind
Whats wrong just feels so right
I think I'm going blind......... |
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| gaH.... |
[May. 21st, 2004|01:41 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | At the drive-in **relationship of command** | ] |
So this week has been trashy =-( |
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| arggg.... |
[May. 6th, 2004|03:19 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | The darkness- Growing on Me | ] |
Things are so hard, even when everything is working out!
gaH! |
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| heh |
[Apr. 28th, 2004|06:11 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | FATA | ] |
All my hopes and all of my dreams
Everything falling in between
Seems to me that the memories
They mean more to you than they do to me.
Through the sky and into your eyes.
And I see everything falling in between
Sew the lips right into your smile.
I'm OK with faking this,
I'll fake everything just to slip your kiss.
If I'm a writer, and I'm a poet, I might love you,
But never show it
You should forget me, this is a long tour,
And I'll be back but, not in time for...
If all we speak is rational thought
Everyday I pray for the sadness.
My eyes are black, my throat full of sickness
Then I'll be listening but not for long
Everyday I pray for the sadness.
My eyes are black, my throat full of sickness
The words I write, are cheap and trite,
But they're drawn on the back of your door
Surrounded by, numbers that,
Remind of the ones before
All my hopes and all of my dreams
Everything falling in between
Seems to me that the memories
They mean more to you than they do to me.
Through the sky and into your eyes.
And I see everything falling in between
Sew the lips right into your smile.
I'm OK with faking this,
I'll fake everything just to slip your kiss.
The words I write, are cheap and trite,
But they're drawn on the back of your door
Surrounded by, numbers that,
Remind of the ones before
My lips are cold.
The truth is told. |
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| MeH |
[Apr. 18th, 2004|10:53 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | Terminal Velocity- (boondock saints soundtrack) | ] |
There are things that used to make me smile
One of them was you for just a little while
You left me for dead so far away
I replaced you with fear and shame
You'll be happy on the day I die
There are things that used to make me laugh
But now they're deeply buried in the past
I left them there so far away
Replaced my humor with my pain
I'll be happy on the day it dies
Remember when I said I love you
Well forget it I take it back
I was just a stupid kid back then
I take back every word that I said
There are things that used to make you cry
One of them was me for just a little while
Why is it that you had to say
Goodbye in your special way |
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| ODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD |
[Apr. 18th, 2004|11:11 am] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | sum 41- hyper insomnia | ] |
Well last night, I was a little caffienated, and at about 12:30 I decided it was time to go to sleep? (was it 12:30?) I dunno.
Anyways, caffiene always does something to my brain, and I always have all sorts of kooky dreams. I don't remember much of them, but I remember a couple things. In the first dream I got a job at Lake Cinema.....(yeah, that's totally random). The funny thing is, that's one of the only places I didn't put an application in at! -_-
The origin of all of that makes absolutely no sense, but MeH....whateva. I vaguely remember chasing down two rowdy little kids :-). The nancy sinatra segment of that dream doesn't need to be told here.;-)
The second dream had something to do with school and me freakin out when
these kids kept eatin my lunch. I just went off and started cursing and then swinging punches....I woke up feeling like I had ran a mile.
Either way, I felt really odd getting out of bed this morning ....meH....:-/ |
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| FUCKIN A |
[Apr. 17th, 2004|10:36 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | The CAKE- Frank Sinatra | ] |
Why do you build me up (Build me up) buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (Let me down)and mess me around
And then worst of all (Worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (Say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darlin'
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (Build me up) buttercup, don't break my heart
"I'll be over at ten", you told me time and again
But you're late, I wait around and then (Bah-dah-dah)
I run to the door, I can't take any more
It's not you, you let me down again
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time, and I'll make you happy
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Why do you build me up (Build me up) buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (Let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (Worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (Say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darling
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (Build me up) buttercup, don't break my heart
To you I'm a toy but I could be the boy you adore
If you'd just let me know (Bah-dah-dah)
Although you're untrue, I'm attracted to you all the more
Why do I need you so
(Hey, hey, hey!) Baby, baby, try to find
(Hey, hey, hey!) A little time and I'll make you happy
(Hey, hey, hey!) I'll be home
I'll be beside the phone waiting for you
Ooo-oo-ooo, ooo-oo-ooo
Why do you build me up (Build me up) buttercup, baby
Just to let me down (Let me down) and mess me around
And then worst of all (Worst of all) you never call, baby
When you say you will (Say you will) but I love you still
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, darling
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (Build me up) buttercup, don't break my heart
I need you (I need you) more than anyone, baby
You know that I have from the start
So build me up (Build me up) Buttercup, don't break my heart
{fade} |
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| ROFL |
[Apr. 17th, 2004|03:51 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | Boxcar Racer- The end with you | ] |
So, the first sure sign of spring you see my scrawny ass outside mowing my ugly lawn. Not because the grass is insanely tall, but the feeling is right. It just FEELS like the day to mow the grass.
So Last night John, Dustin and I went to see Kill Bill Volume 2 up in montrose. I'd say the first half is one of my favourite movies ever, but this was nothing but a bad experience for me. The plot was slow, the action was weak, and all the farfetchedness was less than charming. I sound like a bad movie critic, but IMO that movie was lackluster. Actually I remember yawning several times.....
One of those movies where after you walk out, you feel like you paid 7.50 to occupy a chair.
-MeH.....so afterwards the bon-fire at JOdom's was a big flop. Obviously the wood wasn't as dry as it could've been and the fire was weak and depressing. Either the depressing fire, or the gas fumes (Or a combination of both) got everyone depressed and headin for the hills. The party broke up and John and I went back to my house. We played some hearts and did some physical activity before finally calling it quits around 3:30. It wasn't amazing, but it was interesting.
I'ma make some coffee and get a fresh start on my day :-> |
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| Yeah yeah yeah. |
[Apr. 12th, 2004|03:53 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | Atreyu | ] |
Thanks to a little bout of good luck, and some ok decisions on my part, I'm back to being the same old nikkolai you all remember. Yes, the hangover has gone away, and no, I still haven't found my shirt. Those aren't of any importance now, as I've had some time to think and clear my head. Life is filled with "the morning after"'s and things you don't want to face. It's a part of life having to just face the facts and DEAL. Things could be so much worse. Life is not so bad. I still feel good when I'm with friends, laughing and having a good time. So what if sometimes it takes a little bit of intervention to lighten everyone up. It doesn't bother me that I'm virutally faithless, jobless, carless, and perhaps even futureless. It doesn't bother me that I spent half of my spring break partying. I'm young, I have plenty of time to make mistakes.
"For those i've slighted...I wish you'd do me the same
For those i've hated....Can't you show me some hate?
For everyone I've ever hurt....Why don't you tear me apart?
And for anyone I've ever loved....Do what you wish."
Off to brush my teeth and schedule my drivers exam (3rd time's a charm)
-------------
-Nick. |
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| Could you one time kick it WTF? |
[Apr. 11th, 2004|02:45 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | Shitty | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | Ash- Submission | ] |
I am an idiot. -And that's all she fucking wrote.
There's puke on my shoes and the pants I was wearing...all my blankets reek of it. I am missing my wallet and a shirt I was wearing......I fucking slept in a parked car by the projects. And that's just the shit I remember. Could it possibly get any worse????
o well....at least I'm alive. I guess :-/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2004|12:33 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | LTJ--The brightest bulb has burned out | ] |
~good things~
In line I long to be
Inside your company
Good things are coming
I know they always have
In time, a far away place that we can go
I know we will someday
On our own, until then I will lay inside
Rest on a rising tide
Don’t be so selfless
I’ll wait on the same lines as you
Can’t be so helpless
Good things are coming our way
Good things are coming, I’ll wait
In line, I long to be
Inside your company
Maybe you know
We’ll go wherever you wanted to
I’m through wishing I was somewhere else
Drive along to escape
Good things are coming
Don’t be so selfless
I’ll wait on the same lines as you
Can’t be so helpless
Good things are coming our way
Good things are coming, I’ll wait
Drive along to our escape
------------------------------
Nick's having an atypically good day. Imagine that. I think I'll go heat up a bagel and contemplate on all the good things. I posted some pics under my greatest journal username caesar for anyone who hasn't seen them. They are quite comical :-). Still working on the *whispers* (JOB) situation. But hey, if I don't get a job soon, I'll just have to settle for some greasty ff restaurant.
We were supposed to go deliver a "pizza" to coventry high school today, but John's happy ass didn't even take the time out of his busy day to call us. Hrmph.
Dustin and I had everything planned out too....such a shame. Maybe we'll do that another day. There's always tomorrow :-). I think I'm hangin out @ dustin's house tonight, as his mother is going out of town.
-AND THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMIN!
-Nikkolai |
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| Gah |
[Apr. 3rd, 2004|07:18 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | indifferent | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | 36 Crazyfists- Bloodwork | ] |
This is the idle time when I should be doing something productive....I played my guitar (badly) for a couple of hours, made breakfast, and did a couple things with dustin, and still I'm hard pressed for things to do. I know i could clean or redecorate or something else along those lines, but what fun is that? Responsibility doesn't even register with me. I'm oblivious to the things falling down around me.
^_^
===She Can be Lethal===
The sunrise of the phoenix' birth
Wave goodbye to the terminal end of regression
Slipping into solace has never been this easy
The root of my hapiness won't show her face.....
Her skin so soft pale so cold
I don't even see her figure now
It's gone away now
So familiar that it dissapears
I swallow her in with no regrets
She completes me
She fills me the way no one can
She must be the one
I'll fill her again
another 30 days of love
somehow I don't think she's enough
I need something more.....
Then I slip
I reach for more than I can hold
My vision blurs and I'm calmer still
Somehow I can't see far enough to keep my head up
She kills me slowly
In my eyes a glassy fog
She takes away my pain
My love, I'll never wake again.
=========================================== |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 30th, 2004|08:32 pm] |
| [ | apathy or empathy? |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | tunes |
| | Hoobastank-Escape | ] |
An off day for nikkolai. Not much to do, although a couple of exciting things did happen.
1. I got alot of livewire mountain dew (!!!!overjoyed)
2. I realized I really need a job :-/
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This, I think will be my new journal for random nonsense.
what will stand on your wedding cake?
you dangle around him like a chain on a crooked finger
where will the guests dance to your success?
too bad i'm jealous and depressed
pink ribbons and flower girls
still i stare like some tragedy has befallen your eyes
your mother cries and your father smiles
I look at old photos and think of the past
smiling and laughing you drink champagne
Mine, the constant search for acceptance
they tap their glasses and you kiss again
while I, I the innocent bystander take a shot to the heart
This feeling still remains, but your smile is something new
There has to be some way I can live with being happy for you.
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Wow, that makes no sense.....
I want to eat something, but my cupboards are full of garbage. Nothing is really edible...I tried making condiment soup the other day, but that was doomed from the start. I'm starting to realize why I constantly find a reason to be out of the house. :-/
Tomorrow I'm gonna watch BOONDOCK SAINTS with dustin and strumeh. John Odom and Timmy are pullin for a nerd get-together tomorrow. That sounds like fun.
I'm gonna be happy all summer, thanks to pepsi co.
Really.
( SKABONICS for strumeh ) |
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| scream in silence..... |
[Mar. 26th, 2004|01:41 pm] |
I am home doin nothing :-) awesome. I love MY fridays. I tried creating a style on gj, but I'm not cuning enough to understand their basic html formatting. Meh. Got some donuts and coffee from dd. That was good. My father is yelling about someting. He's upset. Oh no! :-) He just disconnected the dsl wire.....I'm sooo glad all of my computers use rr. :-p The dsl modem is hooked up like a decoy. Mwahahahaah.
Listening to my finch cd.........lovin it......
And I talked to a friend I haven't talked to in like 3 years. She's all grown up now!
She's 20, and already done with school and working at Children's hospital. She's an RN, and I'm proud of her. It's amazing how fast some people grow up, while others just stick with their normal routine, and never really do.
Hmm....
tonight I'm gonna go see Dawn of the Dead (mebbe)
hell yeah
anyways, I think I'll go back to that style making now.....
( AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh ) |
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nikkolai's journal